a novel idea

"It's raining tonight...how it floods the heart in the most appropriate seasons of our lives." -- r.b.

"groovatoid!" exclamation one might have used in the '70's.- j.b.


+ a story that revolves around long sleeve hawaiian shirts. a new formal dress attire. tired of canadian tuxedo- all denim, a new competitor in the fashion industry arrives. ties are soon to follow.

+ story that includes a man who is a retired lumberjack/carpenter. makes things out of wood. makes toilet out of wood. sells it to good friend who is a fisherman. uses it as an anchor for his boat. results are mixed. gets lost at sea for several days.

dewy faces

"You haven't complimented my dewy face yet."

"Oh, um. Your face looks dewy."

"Thanks. I gave myself a facial this morning."

"Ah."


+

Ice cream cone in hand, she sits down, plunking the hand holding the ice cream over the chair next to her like a lumberjack throwing down a heavy axe. "So, how's life?" she says.

michael showalter

ran across a funny interview with michael showalter of The State and Stella fame. Here's a sample:

MS: I'm writing a memoir. I'm four pages in. I start with my first memory, which is kicking my uncle in the balls. I was four.

AVC: How'd he take it?

MS: Not well. He committed suicide. It's all starting to make sense now, right? You see the layers being peeled off the onion. My first memory was of me kicking him in the balls, and it did not go well. It was the first of many awkward life moments. You see the layers of meaning there, right? He ended up killing himself, and maybe I've thought about that too at some point. Maybe I have something to say about that later in the story. I'm building a patchwork quilt, see?

+ full article here: http://www.avclub.com/content/interview/michael_showalter

pinkberry

allyson's word's of wisdom:

is there dairy in the green tea yogurt?

pinkberry attendant: it's yogurt. there's dairy in yogurt.

+++

kerry, your eyes look so drunk.

+++
mother o'keefe:
kerry, turn around, no one wants butt fuck......i mean, butt photos.

the 27

"I have to put a catheter in a 450 pound woman and it's a five man job. one guy for each leg, one to hold a flashlight, and then i have to dive in there and figure out where the catheter goes."

"i see a lot of vaginas and it's horrible."

"i have to inspect 80 year old breasts."




"do you listen to your own music?"

"i don't make music."



"i got to see old german balls."

"my hairdresser is a lesbian and she tells me to spread my legs when she cuts my bangs."

"This guy is huge and always holds my head and puts it on his chest when he talks to me."

"The cookies look they were made by a retard."

"I'm always late...I hope I'm not pregnant."

lines to remember

"What could frost my cake more?" Entry 35 from The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

"...the thought of children has always inspired me with a kind of remorse." pg. 113 from If on a winter's night a traveler

"What a pompous freak show." - Jen and Tiffany regarding overconfident/self centered males

jeff makes me giggle

jeff garlin, on doing comedy at the comedy store: What living experience do I have to share with a room full of drunk Korean kids with fake IDs?

a day in the life

sandra, explaining why she needed to get a waxing: look how rowdy my eyebrows are.

efeminite chef on tv playing in albertson's produce section: this is cantaloupe, but it's not called cantaloupe this time of year; it's called candy-loupe, because it's so sweet. i love it.

"your mother is a woman of many affairs."

bartenders have it handled

bartender, encouraging douche bag customer to drink his beer: HANDLE IT!
the bartender's expression was that of excitement and anticipation, as if he just met his long lost bro-mate (1) and hoped that his outcry, along with their chest bump and one handed hug/handshake combo would make a good impression and solidify their newly rekindled bro-hood.

(1) bro-mate: similar to that of a soul mate, but restricted to a male-male relationship. it transcends formal definition, but usually manifests itself as a simultaneous realization or celebration of trivial matters. when either or both of the males makes said realization, an oral response is created. most common outcry: aaahh, yeah, braahhh! outbursts are stimulated by but limited to : seeing each other after an extended period of time a.k.a getting a jeep waxed; wearing similarly styled, ripped and pre-stressed jeans, generic striped dress shirt, a gallon of hair product and a seashell necklace to keep things loose; asking if a girl across the bar is as bangable if not more bangable than his slut of an ex who, after breaking up, started dating her long time bff, skyler. popping collars is also a major stimulant for oral outbursts.

music/random quote

ed, on contemporary country music, " it's like someone singing a vietnamese pop song, but you add fiddles and a country rhythm section."

blog caption: my days and nights have traded places and things are getting weird.

Quotes from England

old woman crossing the street against the signal, "naughty."

charming british roommate named lauren,

"I've never been in this room, but it's shitty."

"Hello, darling. i love you. no, i love you more. i love you. when are we going to buy the materials for our raft?"

tiffany, upon seeing a mossy stone house, "that buildings all lichened out."

rebekah, after seeing dark clouds in the distance, "tut-tut."

rebekah's dream: "i had a dream my two front teeth turned into my pinky toes and were called 'feeth.'"

rebekah on her dad's winning a limerick writing contest, "the competition was not stiff."

secret communication system i devised to talk to tiffany late at night, "we need some sort of squeaky, pulley system made out of of old shoestring that we can attach notes to and send across the room."

rebekah mishearing me say, "my heart was palpitating." "i thought you said, 'my heart was beating like a hot potato.'"

my reply to a british couple who looked confused by our obsession with a toad, "i'm sorry. we're new to nature."

after throwing tea into a british river on the 4th of july, "can you see my defiance floating in the river?" or "can you see my floating defiance?"

young child at the national gallery asking his teacher about van gogh cutting of part of his ear, "is it like britney spears shaving her head?"

teacher's reply, "It is a bit like britney spears, i guess, but he wasn't famous at the time. no one knew who he was."

"I don't trust a man who doesn't swing his arms when he walks."

tiffany, i think, describing a former roommate, "she had hearing problems, but she was also STU-PID."

exchange with waiter at greek restaurant near covent garden: (to be transcribed later)

pacino and brownies

ed, on learning al pacino and i are the same height: this only strengthens my argument for casting you in a godfather remake. i can't wait to see you in a military uniform and going out with a girl a foot taller than you.

lisa, on kerry's refusal to eat a brownie: we didn't come all this way for you to leave your food here. eat your fucking brownie.

ping pong

me, concerning ping pong instruction video i found on youtube: i had no idea. this really opens up my eyes. thank you, obsessive mandarins. it is only through the extreme pressure you put on your youth that i can learn basic ping pong maneuvers at my leisure and without the possibility of suicide.

quote from the net

caption found on myspace photo: i don't remember this being taken. i don't remember being so sexy.

phrase of the day

robert, on complicated relationships: it's like untangling a hobo's hair.

jesse, on the reason his aunt got a rose tattoo on her breast: when i get older, it will be a long stem rose.

quote of the day

ed, in response to my comment, "conan o'brien is as big as a whale dick": oh daniel, you keep me young.

quotes from the notebook...

robert, on carrots: i forgot what carrots taste like.

from an IM conversation...

ed, on a party he attended:
"I mentioned how I am mandarin and more subtle than her extremely loud and angry personality that is inherent in cantonese people. she laughed and invited me to her house. I don't think she was too offended."

ed, on looking like yao ming:
"we both have sharp, promising facial features."

quotes from the notebook...

• my dad, on eating snacks late at night: it gives me strength to sleep.

• manuel, on trying to eat a whole pizza: it's not that i'm extremely full, i just feel kinda dizzy.